Ladies 3s v. Wallingford 2s – 11.01.14 – Match Report

Oxford 4-0 Wallingford

Some updated facts about the ladies’ 3s…

1. Alex GK

Alex spent the whole of Saturday’s match trying the itch her nose with her tongue. A mid-match itchy nose is a common nuisance for goalies, hence the rumoured release of Obo’s 2014 helmet with a built-in nose scratcher.

2. Michelle

After discovering her prime numbers talent through the publication of the previous match report, GCHQ has recruited Michelle to join their code-breaking department.

3. Katie Smith

I have nothing to say about Katie Smith

4. Donna

If you study the video of the Royal Wedding from 2011 carefully, you will notice at the very beginning Donna is sat in the second row. However she was soon removed to the back of the hall after too many attempts to photo bomb the Queen.

5. Christine

Despite her claims that she misread the timings, the reason Christine was late for Saturday’s match is that she had a doctor’s appointment regarding the size reduction of her extremely large belly button.

6. Suzie

In late 2014, Suzie will be releasing her much awaited tell-all autobiography about her experience in professional women’s football, and it’s self-destructing culture of performance enhancing drugs.

7. Katie Cox

If you squeeze Katie Cox’s left pinky she hiccups

8. Emma

Due to minor complications in surgery; Emma’s knees are slightly magnetic, and have been known to attract coins and earrings during hockey matches. The amount of coins that she has collected in this way now totals £12.32.

9. Kate P

Kate’s body is made of 40% water, 30% organs, 20% bones, and 10% Jelly Beans.

10. Pip

Pip doesn’t really exist. She is a sunshine coloured placebo created by Emma Forrester and implanted into our imaginations as a positive motivator to start the year.

11. Jen

Jen has the largest collection of drinks bottle caps in the UK totalling 1,876 caps. She is only 245 short of the European leader, and has aspirations of taking this title in 2014.

12. Holly

Holly has an unexplainable disgust for all black and white animals, including the much adored penguin, panda and snow leopard.

13. Niki

Niki won’t shut up about her ‘wonder goal’ from Saturday, and is really starting to get on everyone’s nerves. If you’re interested it was a two-touch undercut from the top of the D, looping over the goalie and into the top left hand corner. Despite her face of complete shock and astoundment after the goal, THE SHOT WAS COMPLETELY DELIBERATE.

14. Mell

Mell was an extra in the blockbuster Harry Potter franchise, and can be seen as the legs of the lead Centaur, and as a one-legged goblin in the Gringots bank scene.


Final Score: Oxford 4-0 Wallingford

Goal Scorers: Mell Banton (2), Niki Forecast, Katie Cox

MOTM: Holly Turner

Match reporter: Niki Forecast

Leave a Reply